Maxfacts

While many intimacy issues will cross boundaries between the psychological and physical when related to oral and maxillofacial conditions, and treatment and most true sexual dysfunction will require referral to a psychosexual therapist there is one technique that under most conditions and given sensible consideration, can be attempted as a form of self-help. This technique is called ‘sensate focus’. It was initially developed as a sex therapy technique in the 1960s. It involves a series of behavioural exercises that do not involve sexual penetration, just the use of all the senses, that couples can do together in order to discover or rediscover their sexual intimacy.

It is crucially important that neither partner breaks the rule of no sexual intercourse, however aroused they may become. Doing so can break trust and this technique is about exploring sensuality and a discovery of what is liked in touch and arousal. Planning time in the week with reasonable energy levels to dedicate to this is essential.

Each session takes 30 minutes. 15 minutes on your back and 15 minutes on your front. Recommended twice a week, for as long as both partners are benefitting. Phones onto silent and make sure you are not going to be disturbed, even lock your bedroom door. If doing this twice a week, each partner sets the room up once each. The person who sets the room up, sets the room for how they like it. No intoxicants are allowed during the exercises, but are permissible afterwards when you are talking together, if wanted by both and appropriate.

Things to consider: the touching is done in silence so your partner can observe every movement and response to touch. It is crucial you both have a ‘safe word’ (a word not normally used under these circumstances and that is understood to mean ‘stop what you are doing immediately’). If the word is used then the exercises stop, both dress and talk about how you are feeling. This must be agreed up front for trust to be established.

Preparing the room:

Which room will be prepared? It should be warm and comfortable. Possibly a favourite room, certainly one which is non-threatening. Consider using a rug, cushions or duvet. Fur or satin or cottons or something similar if available. Lighting should be soft, maybe candles if safe. Play soft music, something that is calming, relaxing or sensual for you both. Ensure all your senses are alive, scented candles or perfume sprayed in the air or incense are all effective adjuncts (but many of these are, or contain, well-known allergens). Think of textures, feathers, silk scarf, ice, strawberries, the back of a hand and oils.

Personal preparation:

The person who is preparing the evening has a bath or shower, then prepares a bath or shower for their partner. It helps if the partner waiting to bathe can do relaxation exercises while the other is in the bath or shower. The bathed, relaxed couple should come together into the prepared room with no clothes on. If you are too nervous for your first time, you may be clothed. The exercises can be performed on light clothing.

Each session:

No intoxicants. The first and second week, only use finger tips and back of your hands to touch each other. Avoid personal erogenous zones or genital areas. The second or third week introduce feathers or silks scarf to touch, or ice, strawberries or similar to taste. Again, avoid erogenous and genital areas (and obviously be aware of each other’s allergies, if any). The third and fourth week, introduce sensual oils and you can touch over the genital or erogenous areas.

The first partner - the one to be touched:

Lies on their tummy, naked or dressed as they wish. Building the process to be naked when comfortable. Make sure you are physically comfortable. The touching partner will spend fifteen minutes touching, stroking, and caressing the back of the partner being touched. They will start at the head then the neck, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers, and back. Move lightly over the bottom, down the thighs, calves, ankles, feet, to the toes. Remember this is not foreplay. The first and second week the genital area or known erogenous zones should be avoided. On the third and fourth week, the genitals can be explored but not to penetration. If the touched partner is aroused, this should be ignored by both parties and the process moved to a different body area. Try to identify the different feelings evoked from the different parts of the body being touched and from varied ways of touching.

The second partner - the one touching:

The partner touching does so for their pleasure and aims to notice how it feels for them, at the same time observing the response of the partner being touched.

Spend fifteen minutes touching, stroking, and caressing the back of the partner being touched. Start at the head then the neck, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers, and back. Move lightly over the bottom, down the thighs, calves, ankles, feet, to the toes. Remember this is not foreplay. The first and second week the genital area or known erogenous zones should be avoided. On the third and fourth week, the genitals can be explored but not to penetration. If the touched partner is aroused, ignore and move to a different body area. Try to identify the different feelings evoked from touching different parts of the body being touched and from varied ways of touching. Concentrate on your own sensations.

Once the touching partner has completed 30 minutes of touching the roles are swapped. When roles are changed the other person gets to touch their partner exactly as above. There is no discussion at this point, that comes afterwards when both get a chance to discuss how it was after both partners have experienced both roles. There is no discussion at this point.

Afterwards:

At the end of the second 30 minutes, lie in each other’s arms and share your thoughts and feelings about the exercise just completed. Remember you have five senses - sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. Explore them all.

The first person doing the touching says what they noticed about the areas they touched and how it was for them, without interruption. The person who was touched then shares what they noticed, enjoyed or did not really enjoy. This is to be open and honest to discover you and your partners likes and dislikes, and to connect together in an open, honest and empathetic way. You then swap and talk through the process in the same way when the roles were reversed. Progress through the weeks in each session once both parties are comfortable and confident.

This can be done independently of any professional support. However, it may be of benefit to seek the guidance of a psychosexual therapist if there is any doubt about benefit or if there are any concerns by either partner that this may cause damage either physically or emotionally. The sessions are meant to help you and your partner connect. After the fourth week you may both consent to move to penetration at the end of the session. You may equally choose not to and to keep doing what you are doing.

If this isn’t helping after a couple of sessions, stop and seek the support of a psychosexual therapist who will talk you through the weekly exercises and help open discussion.